i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
