everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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