I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
