i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
