Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
