Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
