Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I was not drunk enough for that final.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
