So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
