I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
