Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
