her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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