I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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