He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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