im so drunk with asians
where?
always
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
