ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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