The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
