You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
