My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
