Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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