You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
