im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
