just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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