My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
