Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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