I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
