What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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