Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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