sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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