He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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