i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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