This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
