Dude my mom stole all your condoms
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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