The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
