Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
