yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
