clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So much rum. So many feels.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
