Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
