the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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