the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
