Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
of course. lets lasso hookers.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
