Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Randomize
