Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
