If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
