what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
God, you're like boner-b-gone
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
