my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Randomize
