It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I checked into jail on foursquare
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
