I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
