I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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