Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
my being single is dangerous.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize