Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
