I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
