Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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