dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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