we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
In America we eat man semen.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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