he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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