The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
