Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
