Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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