I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
